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Empowered Leaders that Trust themselves and the relationships they lead and leaders who are curious to discover who they are and who they lead.
A while ago, I woke up in the middle of the night knowing I had to have a difficult conversation the next day.
And I was dreading it.
I laid there for hours having the conversation before the conversation ever happened.
What was I going to say? What were they going to say? How was I going to respond? What did they mean by this? Why was this happening?
The biggest problem was that I had already made it personal.
I had decided this conversation was somehow about me, and once I did that, my mind had all the fuel it needed to keep going.
Around and around I went.
At some point I finally realized something. None of this was doing me any good.
I wasn’t preparing anymore. I was looping.
So I let it go.
The next morning, instead of spending more time preparing my argument, I spent some time preparing myself.
I found a quiet place. I slowed my thinking down. I worked on becoming neutral. Most importantly, I thought about how I wanted to show up in the conversation.
I wanted to be intentional.
And you know what?
The conversation went really well.
Not because I had the perfect words. Not because I convinced the other person that I was right.
It went well because I listened.
I started to understand their situation better. They had the opportunity to explain what was going on without immediately having to defend themselves. We talked through it and eventually we figured it out together.
I have thought about that conversation many times since.
Had I walked into that room carrying everything I had created in my head at 2:00 in the morning, I believe the result would have been very different.
We tend to think confrontation starts when we sit down across from someone.
I don’t think it does.
It starts with what is happening inside us beforehand.
If I walk into the room already feeling attacked, I’m probably going to hear their words differently.
If I’ve already decided why they did something, I’m not really listening anymore.
If I’ve spent half the night building my defence, there is a pretty good chance I’m going to show up ready to defend it.
That’s pressure.
And pressure has a way of changing how we communicate before we even recognize it’s happening.
So I’ve started looking at difficult conversations differently.
There are three things I want to do before I walk into them.
This one can be hard.
Our minds love to fill in the blanks.
“They don’t respect me.”
“They did that because…”
“They obviously think…”
Maybe.
But maybe not.
An assumption isn’t a fact.
I’ve learned that when I can separate what actually happened from what I’ve decided it means, I enter the conversation with a lot more room to listen.
Find somewhere quiet.
Give yourself a few minutes.
Slow your mind down.
This isn’t about pretending you aren’t frustrated, disappointed or concerned. Those feelings may be very real.
It’s about recognizing them before they become the ones leading the conversation.
Ask yourself a simple question:
How do I want to show up?
Calm? Clear? Curious? Confident?
Choose it before you walk through the door.
Some people will argue that being calm and intentional won’t get you anywhere in a confrontation.
My experience has shown me otherwise.
Calm doesn’t mean weak.
Calm doesn’t mean avoiding the issue.
You can be calm and still hold someone accountable. You can be intentional and still disagree. You can be clear about something that isn’t acceptable.
And being calm doesn’t guarantee the conversation will stay calm.
Things can change quickly.
Something unexpected gets said. Someone becomes defensive. The tone changes. Suddenly the conversation you prepared for isn’t the conversation you’re having.
That’s exactly when being intentional matters most.
Being calm doesn’t mean the conversation will stay calm. It means I’ve prepared myself to lead if it doesn’t.
This is something I’ve been practicing through third-person affirmation.
Instead of simply thinking, “I’ve got this,” I can step outside myself for a moment.
“Arlen is calm.”
“Arlen can listen.”
“Arlen doesn’t need to prove anything.”
“Arlen can handle this conversation.”
There is something powerful about reminding myself who I want to be before pressure gets the opportunity to decide for me.
And this is where empowerment starts to move beyond me.
When a leader walks into confrontation already defensive, the other person will often feel that pressure.
But when the leader shows up secure enough to listen, ask questions and hear something uncomfortable, it gives the other person room to do the same.
The leader empowers first.
Over time, that changes conversations. It changes relationships. And I believe it builds trust.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t get this right every time. There are still conversations where I react. There are still times I take something personally that wasn’t personal. There are still moments when I recognize the pressure after I have already responded.
But I’m learning. And I think that’s the empowering part.
Leadership isn’t about getting every conversation right. For me, it’s about recognizing what is happening inside me and realizing that I have a choice in what happens next.
That’s where transformation happens.
And when the leader changes how they show up, sometimes the whole conversation changes with them.
The Pressure Free CEO – Elle Ingalls
The Ultimate Case Study Method – Troy Aberle
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